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Thursday, October 10th, 2013
7:36 pm
y'know, i'm pretty fed up with the enchanted manbabies of New Orleans.


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Saturday, September 7th, 2013
10:14 pm
here's the deal: i don't buzzkill you, don't buzzkill me.

seriously, am i just fuckin' small-time here? is that what it is? am i thinking too highly of myself, trying to be funny when i'm not, thinking i'm purty when i'm obviously just lipstick on a pig?

don't squash my jokes. that's called being a dick. i hope your five minutes/five seconds of satisfaction are just awesome.
me: why did the chicken cross the--
you: you're not good at this.
FUCK YOU

don't be a literalist in the face of fancy. shit's sake. just cause you don't have an imagination or sense of whimsy doesn't mean you're right.
kid: that cloud is a dinosaur!
you: actually, that cloud is an amorphous accumulation of suspended water vapor.
YOU'RE A DICK


BONUS ROUND:
if you see two women, don't just tell ONE of them that she's pretty. yes, this happened. and hey guess what? it's really fucking hurtful to be walking alongside someone and have a passerby say, "hey, look at you, you look pretty." and even better, for that passerby to say, after i've already accidentally smiled and said thanks, "oh and you, too." HEY GUESS WHAT FUCK OFF. i guess this is a no-good-deed-goes-unpunished thing, but it's not. it's not a good deed. the friend with me, i'm sure she knows how pretty she is. but she's got other attributes that people don't even think about because she's so purrrrty. (news flash: she's good friends with me because i don't treat her like a fashion model marble statue goddess exotic mystery woman. i treat her like somebody who enjoys vietnamese food, bad puns, and honest literary criticism. dur hey.) so she gets singled out in public for being so purty, and i'm standing next to her and being ignored for not being purty. AND WE ALL GO HOME SO HAPPY.

what i'm saying is people suck today. fucking BE NICE, people.

anyway.

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Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013
9:12 pm
these are both rather arbitrary and bitchy things for me to hate on, but i've decided, irrevocably, that if you are a boy and wear too-tight, stone-washed red bermuda shorts - or, if you are anyone who insists upon puffing and blowing and sighing and puffing and blowing and sighing as you go about basic tasks, like reading letters or plugging in your laptop at a coffee shop - you should be punched.

the eno

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Tuesday, June 25th, 2013
1:23 am - rebuttals aimed at no one in particular
1. okay, about following the book. you know what follows the book? jackson's LOTR trilogy. know also what's boring as shit and i never watch for fun, me, the re-watcher of films? the LOTR trilogy. yaawwwwwnnnnn they kept the whole book in.

1b. except "the scourging of the Shire," which is the most thematically interesting bit. but noooooo, stay true to book. otherwise...

2. The Oatmeal has a bitchy Venn Diagram claiming that the only similarity between Z and its source material is the title, and derides the film as "Brad Pitt shoots zombies around the globe." hey, The Oatmeal, i know you're mostly after pandering to a nerdass fanbase and getting hits by the millions, but go see the fuckin' movie, mkay? i seriously hate some unfounded-ass opinions.

3. the Evil Dead re-boot? still not okay. i don't care if fuckin' Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are "executive producers" on it. if you could turn a giant profit selling turd sandwiches, probably you'd do it. Bubba Ho Tep was better than hundreds/thousands of things out there, but does that pay the bills?

4. to quote Archer, "idiots, doing idiot things, because they're idiots..."

5. i may be getting sick of living in new orleans. not my friends, not my dates or lack thereof, just... i may be sick of being here. then again, it might just be that semi-annual sale on homesickness. we'll see.

/post

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Sunday, June 23rd, 2013
3:55 pm - spoilers!
world war zed!Collapse )

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Wednesday, June 12th, 2013
10:51 pm - The Venture Brothers is better than anything you watch, basically
Sargeant Hatred: uh, Hank, you know about the birds and the bees, right?
Hank: for, like, two years now.
Sargeant Hatred: well, you know how, uh, some birds like birds, and some bees like bees?
Hank: like Uncle Gentleman?
Sargeant Hatred: right! and some birds like eggs. and eggs are fragile, so some egg-lovers take experimental drugs to keep from liking eggs. because i don't want to like eggs.
Hank: whatever. i already know you used to be a pedestrian.
Sargeant Hatred: okay, okay, i'm just saying. and i like bees, too. i've had my share of honey.
*pause*
bees are ladies, by the way.
Hank: i got it.


this is, of course, after two founding members of the Guild of Calamitous Intent are attacked by Phantom Limb, resulting in them winding up two heads on one body in order to stay alive. oh, and David Bowie is the Sovereign Leader of the Guild. and he can transform into an eagle. and i SWEAR this is not some "lol it's so random lol" tv show. i aspire to write these tight of plots. and this funny. even to someone (me) upon whom the apparently many comic-book jokes are lost.

anyway. i'm a huge nerd, the end.

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Saturday, June 8th, 2013
1:33 am
1. the chocolate cake shot (equal parts vodka and fragelico, iced, bite a lemon beforehand) may be the perfect shot. doesn't taste awful, is not girly. gets you shitty.

2. i'm a leeeeeetle shitty atm.

3. that ex is one dumb needy motherfucker. he texted me about the Venture Brothers season 5 premiere. i texted back, yeah, i saw it, pretty good. his responding texts? a total of five. FIVE. seriously? poor jessica, his current squeeze. what a fake-gold-plated dildo that guy really is. holy shit.

4. despite this, the venture brothers season 5 premiere is AWESOME. soylent green, the ewok village, dean as his own little man, sargeant hatred with tits. it's marvelous. i'vce watched it, what, five times?

5. damn, a round of shots reeeeeaaaally hits ya 20 minutes or so later. mmmmm

6. have no bread in the house, which is normally my alcohol-related go-to. have to construct entire drink-snack around crackers. this is a problem. i need some proper bread.

7. i miss my undergraduate diet: dinner, 1/2 loaf of bakery french bread. breakfast (if awake), a french bread pizza with yesterday's leftovers. lunch, same.

8. went on a date with a dude, and it was good. he's funny, smart, AND cute. hopefully al 3 states last.

8a. he's from minnisooooata. how ironic, i found a vikings fan HERE.

9. seriously, those chocolate cake shots will get to ya. mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmm

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Monday, June 3rd, 2013
12:17 am
and i do feel quite sorry for his little girlfriend. imagine, having a boyfriend like that. you know, like i did.

this makes negotiating further dates with anyone a little harder, but i suppose i will get over it eventually. or not. whatever.

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Saturday, May 18th, 2013
11:12 am
the dalai lama is here in new orleans.

he has already been photographed wearing a New Orleans Pelicans ballcap.

now we just need to make him hold up an LSU "GEAUX TIGERS" jersey for a picture, and/or coerce him to be recorded saying "WHO DAT," and we'll finish the job of thoroughly fucking embarrassing ourselves.

seriously, new orleans. that's the dalai lama. could we just stop with our ridiculous ego and insane levels of self-congratulatory stupidity?


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Saturday, May 11th, 2013
2:07 pm - we need more specific terms for ailments
cause i can't really say i'm "sick." i'm not sick. nor can i really say i'm unwell. i mean, i'm NOT, but how do you adequately but politely indicate that you have an internal sore that prevents you from enjoying anything?

yeeeeah.

see, i've got a canker sore (or what appears to be a canker sore) the size of my pinky nail ON MY TONSIL.

not only is this a completely bizarre ailment to have, it's the most horribly painful constant thing ever. i've had worse acute pain, probably even worse chronic pain, but this... this is compounded by its utter absurdity and by the fact that it's basically on the fault-line of the gag reflex, is too far back to effectively reach while gargling, and is exposed to everything i swallow.

back when the wisdom teeth were out and i was on soft foods, i had lovely meals of black beans, mashed potatoes, spaghettios... yeah. no can do. mashed potatoes made me cry last night. so did the banana i tried to have yesterday morning. i'm down to popsicles, yogurt, a smidge of beverage (swallowing in general hurts) and small-curd cottage cheese. basically you have to imagine that any food you eat will be scraped against an open sore, then you have to consider whether that's a good idea. hot food also seem like too much of a gamble. if only i had some nice cold gazpacho whirled in a blender for a while, i guess.

so tomorrow, if i see no improvement, it's doc-in-the-box time. but in the meantime i've spent probably $30 on other measures to try to get the cocksucker to shrink or go away, including several analgesics, zinc lozenges, and my own homebrew version of "magic mouthwash" with liquid benadryl and maalox. nothing appears to help. except--HOARDING WIN--the little squirty-syringe i got last year during the wisdom tooth issues, which is meant to reach far back and rinse hard-to-reach places with saline. i can juuuuuuust get to the sore and squirt a little lidocaine directly on the sore. and you know how it really really hurts to hit the spot with numby stuff, but you have to wait it out 'cause you know it'll be worth it, that blissful numb? yeah. try that on your tonsil, while you're trying to deliberately hold fluid still behind your bucking tongue and on your gag zone.

*sigh*

(((well, i *did* save my extra vicodins from last year, thank goodness. a half of one of those and you don't mind swallowing as much.)))
((((that's what SHE said WHOA HO HO))))


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Monday, April 15th, 2013
9:15 pm - why you don't understand the humidity of the Deep South in less than 200 words
so i did a long-overdue cleaning-out of my closets/drawers. and at the bottom of one of my dainties bins, below a bunch of outdated underwears and such, i had kept the (probably) last of my ex's stuff. he'd had this leather cuff that he always wore, and when he, uh, took a sudden leave of absence, he left this cuff (and his favorite shirt) alongside the goodbye note. i stuffed both into the bottom of aforementioned drawer and forgot about them, with the exception of when i moved to the new apartment about 2 years ago and wondered, should i throw them out? and then thought, no, some keepsakes are okay.

cleaning out my drawers, i find the cuff. COMPLETELY COVERED IN WHITE AND GREEN MOLD as the result of living in my bedroom and being made of an organic material, namely worn leather with a smidge of boy DNA probably lurking around the edges.

a piece of leather turned to mold in my dresser drawer.

i DARE your environment to be as hot and humid as that.

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Wednesday, March 27th, 2013
10:47 am
i'm in DC? yes? i never know if i'm actually in the city, though, because phrases like "in the city" don't really matter. huh.

what does matter is i'm in a mariott lobby on free internet and have spent nearly 2 dollars on an underripe banana. i also spent $20 on a sushi lunch and a to-go which i will be enjoying later on but that at least makes some SENSE.

you can totally spot the people who are here for the conference. me, i'm dressed like a damn scrub grad student. at least today. what, i gotta impress these people? ain't like any of their schools will HIRE me ffs.

so far, i have spotted some marvelous beards. and one guy with prettier hair than mine.

i present at 11:30 tomorrow. nervous? nah, well, maybe, but nah. today i attend panels and judge them and see what's the what. i'm not really too worried about it, though, overall. i don't know why i'm here, though. i'll never be a CW instructor, so why am i here presenting on CW instruction anyway? bleh.

anywer.


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Wednesday, February 13th, 2013
11:09 pm
update [for one/two people, max... you FB ninnies]:

dude who insisted we go out? further messages:

he: so when can i see you again?
me: right after you explain the girlfriend, unless you just wanted to be pals.



his response to this? she's overseas and they're in an "open relationship." such was made even more clear to me when he sent me a picture of his girlfriend holding up a piece of paper that gives him permission to pursue "endeavors."

um, am i the only one that finds that stupid and/or possibly creepy? and/or possibly really annoying?

look, whatever. if i was, y'know, hurtin for a squirahhh you know where i'm going with that, i wouldn't mind. but if all i ever wanted was a piece of ass, i'd go out and get a piece of ass that didn't have a goddam permission slip to bang meaningless chicks.

because that stupid fucking hall pass of his makes a couple things clear: he's got a Real Girlfriend, he considers himself relieved of douche behavior, he's a fucking idiot who thinks i'll be impressed by this and somehow giggle and decide hey, yeah! i'd like to sign up to fuck you while your lady is gone. that sounds neat! (i know that there's statistically a few less dudes than chicks in the world, but are they really in that much demand? barf.)

repeat: some guys are such cunts.

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Monday, February 11th, 2013
5:46 pm
i love it when you meet a guy at a party, he insists on you taking his phone number, you text him, he finds you and adds you on Facebook, and then you see that he's got a girlfriend.

and then you get the message, "it was great to meet you!"

some boys are such cunts.











and yes i know that boys are obviously all tender delicate snowflakes with precious feelings and extenuated circumstances and whatever and that clearly this situation isn't what it looks like and has a totally reasonable explanation like he just forgot to not be Facebook-relationshipped to a chick before handing out his phone number and insisting that i use it.

also yes i know this is (partly) why i'm single. because i'm either a ridiculous old lady too behind the times to realize that this is the hip new way to do thing or i'm a moral idealist who doesn't realize that it's always been done this way, only idiots and squares and noobs believe in monogomy without any infidelity, baby, so roll with it.

whatever. it bugs the fuck out of me and it's GOING to bug the fuck out of me. i won't stop being bugged the fuck by it.

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Tuesday, January 1st, 2013
9:48 pm - been away so long i hardly knew the place. gee, it's good to be back home
new year's resolutions? more like new year's DISILLUSIONS har de har i'm witty

but i only have a few:
-save all the money at all the times (sub-resolutions: less eating out, less coffee out, less convenience grocery purchases, less expensive drinks out)
-no fast food at all (only exception being long-distance trips during which this is the only option because Sad Fact.)
-get my website going
-oh and write an entire novel i guess

easy peasy lemon squeezie. see you in 2014, bitchezzzz


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Thursday, December 20th, 2012
8:56 pm - holy snap!
that journal that accepted my story back on my birthday? i just got a check from them. FOR MONEY!

me making money off of writing? dude it is the End Times.


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Monday, December 17th, 2012
7:50 pm - whaaaaat
thank you for submitting your story to a really well-known journal. while we won't be publishing this story, our editors and staff readers rated it highly, and it was among our top 10 stories out of more than 500 submissions (which, i hope, explains our delay in responding to you). this type of metafiction is difficult to pull off, and you made of its high concept a story both funny and moving.

i'm sure you'll have luck placing this story elsewhere, and i'd like to encourage you to submit to really well-known journal again.

sincerely,
[signed by the actual dude]


---

well! so that's the best goddam news i've gotten in a long time on the writing front.

i clawed my way out of the slushpile to the top 10?!

snap.

YAY SOMEBODY DOESN'T THINK I SUCK. OKAY, SO THEY AREN'T GOING TO PUBLISH ME BUT STILL


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Sunday, December 16th, 2012
11:41 pm
well, i've tried twice now (unsuccessfully, obvi) to post emo shit about my perpetual alone-ness and whine about it, and twice this tablet, combined with the Magical Powers of The Fussiest Internet Ever Srsly Wtf, has wiped it away. i suppose that's, like, a metaphor. whatevs.

obligatory posting about being wone-wy.

the end.

p.s. i'll be in wisco in 7 days. there's that.


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Saturday, November 24th, 2012
2:34 pm
i hate that wal-mart makes my favorite cracker. damn you, jalepeno cheddar cornbread squares!

btw, if you think wal-mart is disgusting, overrun, dirty, chaotic, dangerous, skeevy, and/or generally awful, brother, you ain't seen nothing til you've seen the new orleans wal-mart. uuuuggghh.

---

never mind any of that. happy news: i am throwing another xmas rager! it's gonna rage. 5 kinds of sweets, 3 kinds of savory snacks, 2 kinds of punch, chocolate-covered-cherry jello shots. gremlins and elves and santa claus conquers the martians. so much tinsel! and a friend mentioned that she can make edible glitter. sweet betsy!

and of course my tree is already up. gotta have my elves and spangly lights. and in new orleans, you can leave your tree up til mardi gras. convenient!

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Thursday, November 22nd, 2012
12:38 pm - Thankskilling
thankful for the only sound in the house (on the block, seemingly) to be the hiss of the oven as it bakes my frozen pizza. and that i woke up at noon and breakfast is frozen pizza.

doing a horrible chicken-and-cream-of-mushroom-soup bake thing for dinner because laaaaaazy.

already called the fam, so that's done.

so: movies, pizza, then chicken thing, more movies, then some writing, then a nightcap while out visiting my bartender buddy who always works Thanksgiving.

sadly, then sleep and work. but hey, can't win em all.

thanksgiving!

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